the optimistic pessimist

supposedly an adult, she thinks like an adult (too much, if you ask me). deep inside, she is nothing but a little girl, with her little lofty dreams and ideals. and oops, she is breaking them, one by one.
more often than not, she is just an angsty emo kid.

she is only but
a passer-by,

an onlooker,

a walking shadow.

and this girl can't stop writing.

she stalks

|| cyn bea bao zou mel ||
|| joan weepz ||
|| blockc yeanching lehia kexi zhenlin horace alvin dina sandra becca tzehee ||
|| cruzteng peifen dasmondkoh ||
|| xiaozhu xiaogui sunxiezhi ashin kangyong ||
|| derrick jinglun stefsun natho lawrencewong ||
|| feliciachin joannepeh jeanetteaw sharonaw ||
|| xiaohan hyr chimkang mingde dannyyeo ||
|| xuyunling alvinology mrbrown esther ||
|| drbondar psychdigest ||
|| kfdrawing iwrotethisforyou thingsweforget ||

After all, what is in the past but what we choose to remember? They can choose not to hide it, to take what's broken, to feel the pain and know that it will heal. They know where happiness lies, not in a cave or a country, but in love and the freedom to give and take what has been there all along.
-- The Bonesetter's Daughter

she watches on

Others desire to experience the blessedness of giving, but we often frustrate them by refusing their help.

“你有心事吗？”
“或许有一天，我会告诉你吧。”
--《不能说的·秘密》

she holds on

　Memories were also a way of looking in a mirror, but it was a jagged mirror of broken glass, one that cast imperfect reflections. Like shards, these memories drew blood.

February 2003 March 2003 April 2003 May 2003 June 2003 July 2003 September 2003 October 2003 November 2003 December 2003 January 2004 February 2004 March 2004 April 2004 May 2004 June 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 January 2012 February 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 August 2012 October 2012 November 2012 December 2012 January 2013 February 2013 March 2013 April 2013 May 2013 June 2013 July 2013 August 2013 September 2013 October 2013 November 2013 December 2013 January 2014 February 2014 March 2014 April 2014 May 2014 June 2014 July 2014 August 2014 September 2014 October 2014 November 2014 December 2014 January 2015 February 2015 March 2015 April 2015 May 2015 July 2015 September 2015 October 2015 November 2015 December 2015 January 2016 February 2016 March 2016 April 2016 May 2016 June 2016 August 2016 September 2016 October 2016 November 2016 December 2016 January 2017 February 2017 April 2017 May 2017 August 2017 September 2017 October 2017 November 2017 December 2017 January 2018 February 2018 April 2018 June 2018 July 2018 September 2018 October 2018 November 2018 December 2018 February 2019 April 2019 June 2019 August 2019 October 2019 December 2019 January 2020 February 2020 March 2020 April 2020 May 2020 July 2020 November 2020 February 2021 April 2021 July 2021 September 2021 November 2021 March 2022

she never gets

永远不会交的功课 || 永远不会实现的愿望

|| you ||

Responsibility means not blaming anyone or anything for your situation, including yourself... Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution.
-- Deepak Chopra

she thanks

Designer : Wei Jun
Brushes : Deviantart - Spy Glass

I don't know, I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm a pair of eyes and ears, and I'm just trying to stay safe and make sense of what's happening. I know what to avoid, what to worry about.I'm like those kids who live with gunfire going off around them. I don't want pain. I don't want to die. I don't want to see other people around me die. But I don't have anything left inside me to figure out where I fit in or what I want. If I want anything, it's to know what's possible to want.
-- The Bonesetter's Daughter

carolling was pretty good! eh, except for certain songs that went out of pitch, at least we hit our high G, instead of us just setting for the high D last year (coz we knew we couldnt reach that G anymore).. el and bibi came to see us for our first carolling gig. then we had a zoo dinner at ajitei. still love the dessert. and the company. and all the laughs over nothing. had a drink after that. i can almost imagine us doing that when we go to work in future. ok so out of point. anyway, u can tell yihern's really proud of us haha.. i shan't comment on his sudden change in mood frm the first gig to the second, and later the third. the entire world was asking him about it coz it was SO obvious.
these few days i was busy accompanying my relatives frm m'sia: my uncle, auntie, their son aka my cousin and his friend. yes my house does have enough room for all of them. no one had to sleep in the living room.
they went to sentosa on sunday on their own, coz i had carolling.. and sentosa's far too overpriced for non-tourists seriously. ytd i got to drive. my first passengers other than my parents - my uncle and auntie. my cousin and his friend went off to play themselves. they had to wake me up to open door for them coz the rest of my family was out and i was the only other person at home. doink. and anyway we had to go to. the. airport. v nice. my dad decides on the iternary by the way. i was faithfully keeping to the middle lane in case my dad suddenly wants me to exit the expressway somewhere. it wasnt until i had to ask him to go down to ecp or go up to cte before he mentioned that we were heading towards the airport. so that's it, its the right lane all through. duh. i wasnt really speeding. but it felt pretty good. i was just driving at the speed everyone else is driving at. hee.
after the trip to the airport to look ard, we went for lunch. prawn mee. damn good. but i did lousy parking. parallel. coz. i. havent. done. parallel. parking. in. ages. since i started driving my dad's car i've probably only did it twice? thrice? well done.
after that my dad did the driving. went over to sim lim sq for a while, den to bugis for some shopping. after that we all thought he was going to drive us home. but he just decided to go to the botanic gardens. just like that. its like, he just saw the sign and so tada he decided we shall go there. just went walking around.. then we went home for a short rest before going for dinner. seafood! but when i saw that we were at geylang (yes we never know where we're going coz my dad doesnt ever say), i knew it'll be pretty shitty. yes i was the one driving. for one, there're loads of cars there (its pretty messy). and then, parking there sux. sux. sux. its almost always parallel parking and u can look for a lot for v long. waste petrol.
i did have to make a few rounds, but still no lots. good thing was that there was valet service at the restaurant. at least for me, it was my first time handing over the car to someone else. felt weird to leave the car key hanging there.
anyway, it was good food. fresh seafood. lovely crabs. free dessert. and then we chiong-ed down to night safari. seriously, for the sake of going coz we never went there before. nothing fantastic. reminded me of obs. doink.
den dad sent me, mum and my auntie to church for the midnight mass. i dun think i went for midnight mass before. hmm. i was singing all the carols and got reminded of carolling. dunno how to sing all the second verses though. haha. we walked home after that.. and had a surprise! haha. my cousin and his friend bought a big pooh plush for me for christmas cum 21st. hee. uncle and auntie gave me angpow.
basically today we just slacked around in the morning (i was the last to wake up. again. to see the whole living room full of ppl. yeah.).. went for roast duck in toa payoh. it was good too! hoho. den went walking ard toa payoh central, before sending them to take coach back. if u did the maths, the car wun be able to sit everyone. my mum and i offered to take bus back ourselves, but my cousin and his friend wanted to try taking the bus. btw they've been running around sg these days without a map. the only thing was me telling them which mrt station to get down.
and so yeah, here i am again, back to my life. hoho.
这首歌唱完的是我